The Anti-Gospel

I have to say I’m sick and tired
Of hearing how this guy’s inspired.
Delusional I’d say, a phoney
Feeding simpletons baloney.

So here I list, for all to see
The texts with which I disagree,
Beginning with the worst of these:
That we should love our enemies!

So I must love the man who bids
To steal my stuff and kill my kids?
This is so obviously wrong,
It just gives power to the strong.

He then goes on to say we should
Respond to hate by doing good,
But surely any fool can see
This will result in anarchy?

For far from being put to shame
The sinner will just sin again.
By now I think there’s little doubt
He knows not what he’s on about.

But on he goes, he isn’t done,
In fact he’s only just begun!
For now I feel I must critique
This ‘turning of the other cheek’.

When someone thumps me in the face
Am I to take it with good grace
And offer to this angry chap
The chance to land another slap?

And if he takes my coat away
Am I supposed to smile and say,
Please do not let it go at that
But take my shirt, my scarf, my hat

And now you’ve got them I can see
They really suit you to a tee,
So please don’t try to give them back
I’ll be quite comfy in this sack?

And then to add to our confusion
He draws this dubious conclusion:
‘Regarding others, always do
As you would have them do to you.’

And now it pours out in a stream
Like ramblings from a fevered dream:
To love the ones who think you’re great
The worst of men can emulate;

A loan to one who can return it
Gets no praise, it does not earn it;
Be generous although you’re skint,
Attach no strings and do not stint;

Show mercy unto people who
Are difficult, for God does too;
Do all of this but seek no fame
And you’ll be worthy of the name

Of God who, unbelievably,
Loves good and bad folk equally.
You’d think it only fair to mock
This namby-pamby poppycock,

But no, it seems I’m wrong again
For now he goes on to explain
I should be slow to criticise
The things I see with my own eyes

And leave all judgement on the shelf
In case I’m in the dock myself!
If teachers should observe these rules
There would be chaos in our schools,

The legal system wouldn’t function
You couldn’t take out an injunction
Or punish crime in any way
And sin would have a field day.

But wait, according to our friend
The world would not come an end
For living by his rules we would
Behold the triumph of the good!

He claims we’re due a great reward,
By giving what we can’t afford,
But I for one would like to bet
The prize will be a massive debt!

Perhaps I’m wrong, perhaps he’s right,
But don’t you find his sayings trite?
Tautologies are so depressing:
“God blesses those who are a blessing”?!

Now hands up those who think that God’ll
Bless a man who spouts such twaddle?


Luke 6:27-38